Hangin' with g-maw and mommy c

I do plan on telling the story of Avery's birth, and the first few days of her life...but like all great works ...sometimes there are flashbacks..lol. So I am going to start here.The last night in the hospital was so very hard. Without even trying my brain was thinking up every excuse (whether it was right or wrong) to bring this baby home with us. After a major panic and meltdown session...and Celeste's caseworker paying a late night visit,things did chill. I remember being hunched over with my head in my hands bawling...and all of the sudden my head clearing and a story of one of our church's prophets zoomed in. He had written to his dad about being unhappy of his mission...and his dad wrote back.."forget yourself...and go to work" As hard as I tried...this kept echoing. I was only thinking of how I felt, and my desire for my daughter to keep her "heart". Not what God wanted..or what was best for baby. As I made the decision to pull my self together..I felt stronger.I soon became very determined that we should celebrate the life of this little angel, and not let our last night with her be clouded with gloom. So I marched in my daughter's room and announced that we were gonna par-tay. So...we grabbed baby...and went down to a lobby area where is was just windows, and three loving generations went star gazing. We got kinda silly and took pictures in the dark. A really sweet nurse kept stopping to talk to us and was so touched that we were "making a memory" Indeed...it was a very good memory for me. I thought about calling adoptomom and having her join our girl party..but it was way late. Well Ms Aviendha...once upon a time you partied with us...and we ROCKED that hospital. Maybe someday we can do it again...but this time...with chocolate fondue!!!!

snugglin with her girl

this is what happens when you are giggling to hard holding a camera

yep..we were a little nuts..and ALOT tired

Forever in my heart...forever a precious memory

Some things are just meant to be

Pardon me while I take a moment to lighten things up a bit. Before baby was born...our adopto parents came to visit us. We went down town and hung out and I had so much fun.One thing that I was so impressed with was their sense of humor (the one I hope they exercise when they see this post :) and how fun they were(this was one of the first pics we took of adoptomom on that night). Alot of people ask how I knew that they were the right people...I say...I just knew.... and now I have the evidence. Like mother...like daughter...Avery confirmed it for us.

The Chain Of Love

Our Adoption Angel
I firmly beleive that when you go through something very difficult, God sends you and angel. They may be off in the distance...watching over you. But once in awhile..maybe..just maybe, you just may be fortunate enough to see and talk to them.Well...this is our angel. My girl simply could not have done all this without her. Before we were even sure we were going to do adoption...I was trying to find a song on you tube. When I found it, it was a video of a girl that had placed her own child. The video was so amazing and sweet I would bawl everytime I saw it. I showed it to Celeste and she did the same. She left a comment on it...and from that a very special friendship formed. This angel took my girl under her wing. She took her out for dinner a few times, and was there pretty much every step of the way. She works at the place my girl had her stay when Avery was born.. and on the placement day she was my daughters caregiver. She did more than her job that day that is for sure. She was just a doll and I am so glad she was there. This is the miracle of the adoption world...so many people supporting each other and bringing each other up. I am praying that someday I can do this for someone else. I would love to do free photo shoots and pictures for another girl like my daughter. Pictures are so precious.I shudder at the thought of a girl going through this with no one there. Maybe someday I can be a "mom" to someone that is all alone. I could help her take care of her baby in the hospital room so baby can stay in her room and she could spend every last moment. I know someday... I will be called upon to be a strength for a person who needs it. I am praying for it and I will embrace it.I thank Heavenly Father for our angel....we love you.

Belly Button!!!

Celeste having her very first "real" bath @ home
Sad in a way....but also happy. Ms. Avery lost her cord and now just has a belly button. A ping of sadness goes over me because I cut that cord, and I miss her. I want to move closer to her sooo bad. But it also means that with time everything heals. I cant help but think back to when Celeste lost hers. Yes I was post partum and one BIG hormone...but I cried. Silly I know. One thing that seems to be handed down in my family is the value of children. I know that Celeste is hurting right now...but it just shows that she embraces motherhood. Just hours after that cord fell off I was able to give her the first real home bath.I can remember it so well...and it is precious to me.I love my life.

WOW

Who would of thought that such a tiny little girl could bring about such a surge of emotions. All I can say sweet little one is that you are LOVED and MISSED with so much that I can't describe it.Hope that it smoothes out soon.

A moment to take a breath

Never knew this would be this hard. Never knew that my girl could hurt with every ounce of her body. Seems like her labor pains that came and went have changed into emotional pains.So hard to look at someone I love so curled up sleeping with the blanket she swaddled her baby in, in the hospital.But as the waves come in and breaks my heart more...they do subside and during those moments there really is peace.The highs have seemed to be more in the afternoon...and then crash at night with the lonliness.But tonight...for the first time..there is calmness.Ahhh serenity. I have felt so badly because I love Avery's parents so very much....but with the hurt in my own heart...and my own daughters torment...It has not been easy to focus on that.But as all is stilled for a time...with all my heart congratulations.You both are amazing. I know how special my own kids are and I could not imagine not having them. Avery was finally ready and she lead us to you. I know you will love her and cherish her as we would. I am so grateful that we were able to take part in the making of your family. Now more than ever...I feel like my daughter had been chosen to do this work. When I found out that she was expecting, and very much anti adoption...I remember wondering what was in this for my girl? I would tell my self nothing and was sure that she would be forgotten and be worse off than she had been before. But as God has walked us through this..I have realized just how much she gets. Things were not good for her before. I would kneel down and plea that she would be ok...and make it through all she was facing. I was terrified. I thought I may lose her in this life. But now as I look at her ....even her countenance has changed. Between the tears....there is a daughter of god that KNOWS she is a daughter of God. She knows that he loves her and has never left her side . She has said the beautiful words...testimony. From a hurting little girl in a dark world she could not escape....I see her standing....strong and steady...bright as the sunlight, a young woman that has grown and matured so much. My dear little Avery baby...you gave her life just as she gave you yours.You helped her discover who she REALLY is.I thank my Heavenly Father, I thank my little grandbaby, I thank her parents, and my beautiful amazing strong daughter.I know we have a rough road ahead, but I know we will be lead.

So many tears.....

I told my girl over and over all the parts of labor. I told her how the whole hospital stay would be.I explained what an amazing thing having a baby was. But I forgot to warn her about the emptiness. For 9 months you are blessed by having a constant precious presence aout you. Everthing that you do is for that baby. Two are one.She is always there. Then, after so long of your beautiful spiritual companion is just not there anymore. No kicks or jabs.No hiccups , you are free to live your life for itself. All that nurturing is no longer needed. You miss it...you miss her. You feel incomplete.So hard to sit and watch my girl go through this. She is stronger than me. She is amazing.

In Awe.....

Well she has made it!!!I never understood when some people used to say that having grandkids is just like than having kids. How could that be? Well yesterday at 10:43 am I found out just what they meant.t is not only completely falling in love with this precious angel....it is seeing the joy and love come over your own child. Seeing her expirience the special secret that you have been enjoying all along. The secret of being a mom.I cannot express how much I love my amazing daughter. I love watching her rub Avery's soft skin...nestleing her cheek on babies soft fuzzy head. Putting baby close to her beating heart.She never wants to put her down!!!!And beautiful little baby girl. Oh how much I love you.This is the best thing..but also soooo hard. I can feel the emotions that Celeste is going through since we are so close. Our hearts are aching for you baby girl....but that is just because you are so very loved!!!Just know that your mommy and grandma snuggled with every minute we had.Neither of us wanted to sleep because we wanted to savor every second we had.This has been some of the best moments of my life. I love you little sweetheart.

A final word before her arrival

I can envision her life so clearly. Like a beautiful radiant gem. So many unique facets. So many side come together as one.So many different stories to make up one amazing life.Let my share a part of our side. Once I had a beautiful angel baby girl myself. She brought so much light into my life.She came into my life and it changed it forever...and I realized what I called living before having her...was not really living at all.Having her was the making of how I would define my life.She is my daughter...my best friend...my hang out buddy...and lately...she is my hero. When she was still a tiny thing...I found a cross stitch of the poem above. I instantly fell in love with it. It has become such a treasure to me. It has hung on the wall through all 5 of my babies. It is the basis of how I raise my precious children. Through everything that life brings me...they ALWAYS come first. Life has become so busy...such hustle and bustle...but I stop and let my babies snuggle up and take a nap in my arms. I read a book to my two year old. I can never be too tired to hug them and tell them I love them. I will never let anything take their place of importance. Heavenly Father has trusted me with his children...and I take the role of motherhood very seriously. It is my greatest gift...my reason for being alive. This is all I remember from my mother as well. With my father passing away when I was 2...it was a rough go for her. Five kids all to herself. But yet...I was always embraced with love around me. A tornado came and tossed the trailer that we were living in like a rag doll. I woke with her calling for me. Hail the size of grapefruit. She sheltered me with herself..busted ribs and getting pelted with the hail. But I was her girl. Another time...after she got sick...laying in the hospital bed in agony.....I held her hand and sang to her...she had not moved for days...she could only hear out of one ear...the one that was in the pillow....she slowly turned her head...my mother used all her energy just so she could hear me sing. Her last word were "I love you" as she took her last breath. She lived her life for me. This is us...Sweet little Avery girl...this is your legacy...each generation of women doing all they can for their children. What about your birthmommy??? Well you see... she is the strongest one of them all...she is giving the greatest sacrifice one can give...for you my precious one...she gives her heart and soul....everything that she has eventhough it tears her apart.. She looks beyond what it is she really wants...she goes through the pain that she does so you can have what she cannot provide.A home with two amazing parents...and more love and support coming from everywhere around than you can imagine.She is giving you life more than once. I cannot express how much I admire her. I am so proud that she is my girl.Hour upon hour she thinks of you...tells you how much she loves you.You are all that she thinks about.May you always feel that selfless love...