Thursday, December 23, 2010

A promise kept

I have felt just about every feeling there is to feel in this past year. It has been such a whirlwind. When my girl told me she wanted to do adoption..I just was not sure. I knew what a precious event was about to take place.And I was really scared. Not only could I lose forever a new little being that I could love...but my daughter..the one who gave my life meaning..could as well. There is nothing legal that says after those papers are signed that we have to be included in her life. Whoever took her could just walk away and never look back. As a mother...watching all that my girl went through..emotionally and physically...I wanted my girls sacrifice appreciated. I wanted so bad to look in her eyes and give her the answer she so desperately wanted...that she could see her..know her..But..I could not.This is an act of faith. To the arms that you place that baby you just have to hope and pray that you are remembered. There was a promise made to us. A beautiful promise..that I..and especially my daughter..would always be in her life. Family..they said...always be family. I am amazed at these people...the things they do on an everyday basis for my girl. Heaven sent angels. They let my daughter come visit...stay in their home...treat her like she is absolute gold.I am thankful from the bottom of my heart that my beauty will not be forgotten. That this little one will grow knowing us and how much we love her. Yeah..there are sad endings out there...but this will not be one....

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

My brain on school

SOOOOO...have I forgotten my blog??? It may seem so...I actually have thoughts I want to get down everyday and MANY MANY questions people have asked. However...the life of a single mom of 5 who has immersed herself in college somehow makes it not really possible. Many nights I have sat and fell asleep in front of my computer.But...I love school and will be grateful for what it will bring in the end.How is my girl?? WONDERFUL...she also is getting very school focused. The best grades I have ever seen out of that girl. In english..does she have 100 percent?? Nooooo...she has done so much extra credit she actually has 7000 percent. Yes...that has 3 zeros!!! She has joined as many clubs in school as she can.She is in an AMAZING choir. She is also very future focused...She would like to be a case worker and help with adoptions.I am very proud of her for that, so she is looking into colleges.As soon as I get a job I want to get a really good professional grade camera and provide a photo shoot of their babies at the hospital and a picture free of charge to girls like my daughter. And it seems a romance has sparked(not baby daddy)...a nice healthy one...The "boy next door" who hand made brownies when she was pregnant and RODE HIS BIKE a very long way just to come see her in the hospital..he treats her very well..and I am so happy with all the support he gives her....he is a good guy.My little grand baby is ADORABLE...and it is the highlight of my day to see what she is doing and how she is. Her mommy and daddy are simply the best and I love them with all my heart.When I look at how things were this time last year... I am grateful to my core that I did not turn my back on my girl. We have tied a bond that is so strong and amazing.Can I say that I wish this would not have happened?? Absolutely not.I could not look at my beautiful grandbaby and say that I wish she was not alive..I could not look at my daughter and say that I do not like the person she has become...I could not look at the couple who rocks her to sleep at night and say that I wish their dream had not come true. No...this all was very much meant to be... and I am blessed for it. We found the hidden treasure...and it is priceless...and we did not know what it was at first.My good!!!!

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Life Happens

Things have gotten pretty quiet here lately. My daughter and her broken heart seems to get stronger every day. There are times that it just gets to her again...but she handles it just beautifully. I have jumped fully into my college and the rest of my children. We are getting ready for back to school and all that jazz. I have been getting ALOT of questions...and alot are the same I am sorting through them and will post them on here. Some of them are a little painful still...but if I can help someone else then it will be worth it....But yes...I am still here and wanting to share!!!!

Friday, July 9, 2010

The tale of Aviendha Moraine part 1

Could it be that around this time a month ago so many lives were about to blessed by something so very special? We were about to meet such a precious little person? little the story of your very first birthday!!!Celeste likes to walk...I do not know what it is really...I guess with legs that long they just have to move sometimes. This need to walk happens sometimes when it really is not an ideal time to go walking when Celeste started walking all over the house at 2am...I really did not find it all that unusual. She kept telling my that she was having some pains...well...that pretty much what pregnancy did not phase me either. When she told me that there were some pains that were coming every 5 min.. well..that made me wonder. I made her sit next to me on the loveseat and put my hand on her tummy and just let it sit there. I tried to be sneaky and ever so sly looked at the clock in the kitchen. Sure enough..every 5 min she was telling me that she was having contractions. Having so many babies myself..I know that timing is I did not want to get her there too early. But after 2 hours of steady pains...we got everything ready and headed off. After being there so many times and being sent home..I kinda half expected that we would not be there long. However..after the nurse saw her I asked if they were keeping her..she replied with a very firm "absolutely". Celeste and I stared at each other in disbelief..THIS WAS IT!!! As I turned my head from my beautiful daughter to look out the big window at the sunrise..and then down at all the traffic going by..I found it interesting that everyone was hurrying around with their busy life...when right under their noses an amazing miracle was about to happen.As the nurses and doctors came in and out working on my girl... I felt such an intense love for her...I will never be able to describe it. I am and always will be sooo proud to be her mom. Ironically....she was thinking the same thing about the beautiful baby she was about to bring into the world. I was thinking we had some time and I had been awake all night so I thought I could catch some zzzzzzs, Well...that was not gonna work cause soon she was feeling the pressure of the urge to push. So they checked her and sure enough..she was ready. The nurse was telling her that with the first baby the pushing part could last 2-3 hours...they had her start pushing with the contractions with just the nurse there, and well within 30 min. of my highly determined Celeste pushing...the nurse started looking nervous and said that we would start skipping contractions until the Doctor came in. They turned on the big light..started the baby warmer, and got out the surgical tray. I looked at the baby warmer through the tears in my eyes..soon there was going to be a baby there!!!!The doctor made it and not to long after I heard one of the most precious thing ever...a baby cry. They laid baby on a blanket on my daughters tummy...and I saw her beautiful little face..Yep...I totally fell in love with my grand baby. Being there when a whole other person begins their life is the most spiritual experiences you can imagine. It was AMAZING!!! After I cut her cord they took her over to be weighed and given her very first vital signs. I hurried over to get some pictures so I could get them to the wonderful people Avery would call mom and dad (as they were frantically driving through Wyoming to get there) After all the poking and freezing...they wrapped her up and handed that precious little bundle to Celeste. All warm...all safe...the love in Celeste's eyes as she held that little angel was immense. This was
one of the best days of my life...and I know it was the same for my daughter.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Hangin' with g-maw and mommy c

I do plan on telling the story of Avery's birth, and the first few days of her life...but like all great works ...sometimes there are So I am going to start here.The last night in the hospital was so very hard. Without even trying my brain was thinking up every excuse (whether it was right or wrong) to bring this baby home with us. After a major panic and meltdown session...and Celeste's caseworker paying a late night visit,things did chill. I remember being hunched over with my head in my hands bawling...and all of the sudden my head clearing and a story of one of our church's prophets zoomed in. He had written to his dad about being unhappy of his mission...and his dad wrote back.."forget yourself...and go to work" As hard as I tried...this kept echoing. I was only thinking of how I felt, and my desire for my daughter to keep her "heart". Not what God wanted..or what was best for baby. As I made the decision to pull my self together..I felt stronger.I soon became very determined that we should celebrate the life of this little angel, and not let our last night with her be clouded with gloom. So I marched in my daughter's room and announced that we were gonna par-tay. So...we grabbed baby...and went down to a lobby area where is was just windows, and three loving generations went star gazing. We got kinda silly and took pictures in the dark. A really sweet nurse kept stopping to talk to us and was so touched that we were "making a memory" was a very good memory for me. I thought about calling adoptomom and having her join our girl party..but it was way late. Well Ms Aviendha...once upon a time you partied with us...and we ROCKED that hospital. Maybe someday we can do it again...but this time...with chocolate fondue!!!!

snugglin with her girl

this is what happens when you are giggling to hard holding a camera

yep..we were a little nuts..and ALOT tired

Forever in my heart...forever a precious memory

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Some things are just meant to be

Pardon me while I take a moment to lighten things up a bit. Before baby was born...our adopto parents came to visit us. We went down town and hung out and I had so much fun.One thing that I was so impressed with was their sense of humor (the one I hope they exercise when they see this post :) and how fun they were(this was one of the first pics we took of adoptomom on that night). Alot of people ask how I knew that they were the right people...I say...I just knew.... and now I have the evidence. Like daughter...Avery confirmed it for us.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

The Chain Of Love

Our Adoption Angel
I firmly beleive that when you go through something very difficult, God sends you and angel. They may be off in the distance...watching over you. But once in awhile..maybe..just maybe, you just may be fortunate enough to see and talk to them.Well...this is our angel. My girl simply could not have done all this without her. Before we were even sure we were going to do adoption...I was trying to find a song on you tube. When I found it, it was a video of a girl that had placed her own child. The video was so amazing and sweet I would bawl everytime I saw it. I showed it to Celeste and she did the same. She left a comment on it...and from that a very special friendship formed. This angel took my girl under her wing. She took her out for dinner a few times, and was there pretty much every step of the way. She works at the place my girl had her stay when Avery was born.. and on the placement day she was my daughters caregiver. She did more than her job that day that is for sure. She was just a doll and I am so glad she was there. This is the miracle of the adoption many people supporting each other and bringing each other up. I am praying that someday I can do this for someone else. I would love to do free photo shoots and pictures for another girl like my daughter. Pictures are so precious.I shudder at the thought of a girl going through this with no one there. Maybe someday I can be a "mom" to someone that is all alone. I could help her take care of her baby in the hospital room so baby can stay in her room and she could spend every last moment. I know someday... I will be called upon to be a strength for a person who needs it. I am praying for it and I will embrace it.I thank Heavenly Father for our angel....we love you.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Belly Button!!!

Celeste having her very first "real" bath @ home
Sad in a way....but also happy. Ms. Avery lost her cord and now just has a belly button. A ping of sadness goes over me because I cut that cord, and I miss her. I want to move closer to her sooo bad. But it also means that with time everything heals. I cant help but think back to when Celeste lost hers. Yes I was post partum and one BIG hormone...but I cried. Silly I know. One thing that seems to be handed down in my family is the value of children. I know that Celeste is hurting right now...but it just shows that she embraces motherhood. Just hours after that cord fell off I was able to give her the first real home bath.I can remember it so well...and it is precious to me.I love my life.

Saturday, June 19, 2010


Who would of thought that such a tiny little girl could bring about such a surge of emotions. All I can say sweet little one is that you are LOVED and MISSED with so much that I can't describe it.Hope that it smoothes out soon.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

A moment to take a breath

Never knew this would be this hard. Never knew that my girl could hurt with every ounce of her body. Seems like her labor pains that came and went have changed into emotional pains.So hard to look at someone I love so curled up sleeping with the blanket she swaddled her baby in, in the hospital.But as the waves come in and breaks my heart more...they do subside and during those moments there really is peace.The highs have seemed to be more in the afternoon...and then crash at night with the lonliness.But tonight...for the first time..there is calmness.Ahhh serenity. I have felt so badly because I love Avery's parents so very much....but with the hurt in my own heart...and my own daughters torment...It has not been easy to focus on that.But as all is stilled for a time...with all my heart congratulations.You both are amazing. I know how special my own kids are and I could not imagine not having them. Avery was finally ready and she lead us to you. I know you will love her and cherish her as we would. I am so grateful that we were able to take part in the making of your family. Now more than ever...I feel like my daughter had been chosen to do this work. When I found out that she was expecting, and very much anti adoption...I remember wondering what was in this for my girl? I would tell my self nothing and was sure that she would be forgotten and be worse off than she had been before. But as God has walked us through this..I have realized just how much she gets. Things were not good for her before. I would kneel down and plea that she would be ok...and make it through all she was facing. I was terrified. I thought I may lose her in this life. But now as I look at her ....even her countenance has changed. Between the tears....there is a daughter of god that KNOWS she is a daughter of God. She knows that he loves her and has never left her side . She has said the beautiful words...testimony. From a hurting little girl in a dark world she could not escape....I see her standing....strong and steady...bright as the sunlight, a young woman that has grown and matured so much. My dear little Avery gave her life just as she gave you yours.You helped her discover who she REALLY is.I thank my Heavenly Father, I thank my little grandbaby, I thank her parents, and my beautiful amazing strong daughter.I know we have a rough road ahead, but I know we will be lead.

Monday, June 14, 2010

So many tears.....

I told my girl over and over all the parts of labor. I told her how the whole hospital stay would be.I explained what an amazing thing having a baby was. But I forgot to warn her about the emptiness. For 9 months you are blessed by having a constant precious presence aout you. Everthing that you do is for that baby. Two are one.She is always there. Then, after so long of your beautiful spiritual companion is just not there anymore. No kicks or jabs.No hiccups , you are free to live your life for itself. All that nurturing is no longer needed. You miss miss her. You feel incomplete.So hard to sit and watch my girl go through this. She is stronger than me. She is amazing.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

In Awe.....

Well she has made it!!!I never understood when some people used to say that having grandkids is just like than having kids. How could that be? Well yesterday at 10:43 am I found out just what they meant.t is not only completely falling in love with this precious is seeing the joy and love come over your own child. Seeing her expirience the special secret that you have been enjoying all along. The secret of being a mom.I cannot express how much I love my amazing daughter. I love watching her rub Avery's soft skin...nestleing her cheek on babies soft fuzzy head. Putting baby close to her beating heart.She never wants to put her down!!!!And beautiful little baby girl. Oh how much I love you.This is the best thing..but also soooo hard. I can feel the emotions that Celeste is going through since we are so close. Our hearts are aching for you baby girl....but that is just because you are so very loved!!!Just know that your mommy and grandma snuggled with every minute we had.Neither of us wanted to sleep because we wanted to savor every second we had.This has been some of the best moments of my life. I love you little sweetheart.

Monday, June 7, 2010

A final word before her arrival

I can envision her life so clearly. Like a beautiful radiant gem. So many unique facets. So many side come together as one.So many different stories to make up one amazing life.Let my share a part of our side. Once I had a beautiful angel baby girl myself. She brought so much light into my life.She came into my life and it changed it forever...and I realized what I called living before having her...was not really living at all.Having her was the making of how I would define my life.She is my best hang out buddy...and lately...she is my hero. When she was still a tiny thing...I found a cross stitch of the poem above. I instantly fell in love with it. It has become such a treasure to me. It has hung on the wall through all 5 of my babies. It is the basis of how I raise my precious children. Through everything that life brings me...they ALWAYS come first. Life has become so busy...such hustle and bustle...but I stop and let my babies snuggle up and take a nap in my arms. I read a book to my two year old. I can never be too tired to hug them and tell them I love them. I will never let anything take their place of importance. Heavenly Father has trusted me with his children...and I take the role of motherhood very seriously. It is my greatest reason for being alive. This is all I remember from my mother as well. With my father passing away when I was was a rough go for her. Five kids all to herself. But yet...I was always embraced with love around me. A tornado came and tossed the trailer that we were living in like a rag doll. I woke with her calling for me. Hail the size of grapefruit. She sheltered me with herself..busted ribs and getting pelted with the hail. But I was her girl. Another time...after she got sick...laying in the hospital bed in agony.....I held her hand and sang to her...she had not moved for days...she could only hear out of one ear...the one that was in the pillow....she slowly turned her mother used all her energy just so she could hear me sing. Her last word were "I love you" as she took her last breath. She lived her life for me. This is us...Sweet little Avery girl...this is your legacy...each generation of women doing all they can for their children. What about your birthmommy??? Well you see... she is the strongest one of them all...she is giving the greatest sacrifice one can give...for you my precious one...she gives her heart and soul....everything that she has eventhough it tears her apart.. She looks beyond what it is she really wants...she goes through the pain that she does so you can have what she cannot provide.A home with two amazing parents...and more love and support coming from everywhere around than you can imagine.She is giving you life more than once. I cannot express how much I admire her. I am so proud that she is my girl.Hour upon hour she thinks of you...tells you how much she loves you.You are all that she thinks about.May you always feel that selfless love...

Monday, May 24, 2010


Sooooo...had some close calls with this little lady. She is getting ready to make her debut and wants to make she she has everyones undivided attention....and she certainly has it!!!!!I was sitting next to my girl in the hospital and was picturing how all this is gonna pan out, and came to the realization that this one tiny girl must be so special that heavenly father has compiled us all up like a team!!! And not just how it will be getting her here..but her whole entire life. So many people...loving her...supporting her. Geez what a lucky lady!!! I am so pumped now..and so ready to welcome her!!!Ready to take my daughter by the hand and help her bring baby Avery into this world. I am really hoping the adoptos can get here in time...just would not be the same without them.Here we are precious little angel girl...all of us ready to play our part in your life with outstretched open loving arms.....come to us soon!!!!!

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Coming put of the pregnant teen closet

Have to say....this has been one of the hardest things I have ever gone through.And honestly at first I wanted to hide it because I felt like I was a bad mom...and what would every think of me and my girl.But as the big event comes closer...I am getting so overjoyed and excited...I cannot hold it in.I also think that my daughter is amazing..and this whole expirience had made us grow..and it is serouisly is very beautiful and spiriual.We each have a certain path to go down in life...and sometimes that path is not what other people find as normal, or what is expected.I am a person who does not judge other people, what they do or how they I guess if someone is really my friend and really loves us there will be no judgements back.So here is the run down....Celeste is gonna have a baby in June. It is a baby girl and her name is Avery.We know some of the most amazing people that we are going to share baby with.And that is excatly how it is gonna be.We are not "giving away" Avery...we are gainig a whole new family..and vice versa.I will let them reveal themselves when they feel comfortable since some of you are family or like family and will want to know.We have been through if someone has something negative to say....please keep it to yourself, if you love someone you are suppotive even if it may be something you do not believe in. Just love us.This is me shouting to the world that my beautiful daughter is far more precious to me than my pride.Please...rejoice with us the begginig of a whole new life!!!!

Thursday, April 15, 2010


WOW!!! The blessed event is coming up so quickly!!!Funny how sometimes it seems like it will be FOREVER...but then it sneaks up on you!!(Of my girl becomes slower and slower..bigger and bigger..more uncomfortable by the second..I am sure she still feels it will be love this little girl so very much. Cannot wait to see her!!!Of course...there was something that pulled on my heartstrings...I took my daughter to see her caseworker tonight.As I drove home..I looked down and saw her holding some of the paperwork she has to get done.Like she said...we are at peace with this decision...but it will not be easy.As I visualized how that day will be...all I could see were two sets of hands..reaching out.A calm voice whispered only this....these are good hands...she will be in good hands.Scary and comforting at the same time.I admire my daughters strength so much.She is amazing!!!And to all the ladies out there who have already done too are amazing!!

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Finding "the ones"

A fragile helpless little life in your hands.Counting on you to do it right.You know what is best and what needs to happen to really show the baby love. But HOW???It seems so simple just to log on....find someone awesome...and then let it happen.But the thoughts that went through our heads were crazy.How are we REALLY going to know??Are they genuine? They say that they are going to let you in the baby's life now....but will they really include you once that paper is signed?...there will be nothing legally binding..
Are they really being themselves..or just what they think you want them to be?How do they really feel about teen pregnancy???Sure they are getting a baby out of it...but are they deep down inside judging my daughter?Are they judging me?If there is an infertility problem...will they resent the baby they get because they could not bear them themselves?How can we really know that baby will be carefully taken care of?Sure..they may build a great relationship with my daughter...but what if something happens to her??Will they still let me be involved?Who ARE these people really??
The adoption world is a tough business.My eyes have been really opened.I have read some of the suggestions on how to make your profile look good(adoptive parents) to talk to "could be" birth moms...people having to present themselves and hoping so bad that a girl will like them.I just cannot imagine.It really plays on my mind.You have no more than 8 months to make complete strangers become family.The trust that needs to be built here on both sides of the coin is HUGE!!!You are basically finding someone who you will raise a child with.This is such a delicate thing..and such a short time to do it.
I am so greatful for our "ones".They have taken all of this craziness away.They have given comfort to a very scary thing. The most impressive thing is that they were themselves.They said either way...if we decided on them or not...they would be here for us.Eventhough this was thier dream...they would look past that to be a support.And there was no pressure...just new friends enjoying each others company.Amazing.
How do you know if they are "the ones?"......there is not on ounce of doubt.
I love the blessings in my life!!!

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Life will go on...but you have to let it

Once in a sunlit garden,
Where the most magnificent of flowers grow,
I walked with God and held his hand,
and he said "my dear child this you must know

Life is a book, in wich you write,
your most troubling and treasured of memories,
and as the author of this book,
you must make sure the reader sees.

That each new chapter in this book,
you faced and did your best,
that you kept up your undieing faith,
then it was EASY to pass the test."

After he spoke this to me,
he gave me a hug and a kiss,
and as he went back up to heaven,
he whispered "make your earthly life a wonderful bliss."

So with this special visit in mind,
I went by a tree and did sit,
and started to write my book of life,
the whole day through I did not quit.

I wrote of all my happy times,
of all my trials too,
what it was I learned from those trials,
and how I started anew.

just as the sun was setting,
I put my masterpiece away,
I was so very proud,
of the work I had done all day.

So as the moon arose that night,
just as I was about to retire,
I heard the Lord come to my door,
my book, I was sure he came to admire.

He took my book up off the shelf,
and read the whole thing through,
then said "well done my child,
but you left out the most important page for you"

I just could not understand,
as I read it and found out,
there was one unwritten page,
so about myself, I really began to doubt.

He put his loving arms around me,
and then he did explain,
"that unwritten page is the future,
so you shouldn't feel any pain."

"The past is over now,"
he said with love in his voice,
"the future is yours to make you own,
so THAT should be your choice"

So now as each new dawn appears,
as the dew creeps on the flowers,
I take that one unwritten page,
and fill it by the hours.

Though the past was very difficult,
the NEXT page is what I see,
full of love,laughter and happiness,
the things that last eternally.

Molly 5/16/1987

Wednesday, April 7, 2010


As I was looking over the website ...and saw the faces of so many amazing people that are on there..I was really saddened and overwhelmed. Profiles after profiles of people searching to be blessed..just wanting that one thing to make thier life complete.It hurts to hear of the ones who get scammed.I always just want to reach out to people and help them.If I could I honestly would find a baby for each one.Hoping that saying a prayer for the people I have already met, and the ones truelly deserving would satisfy my craving for them.I want to do MORE!!!I am one who always tries to do it all.But then my thoughts turned to the ones who will hold my granddaughter in their arms..I know they will love her. I remembered one of my most favorite stories.

One day a man was walking along the beach when he noticed a boy picking something up and gently throwing it into the ocean.
Approaching the boy, he asked, “What are you doing?”
The youth replied, “Throwing starfish back into the ocean. The surf is up and the tide is going out. If I don’t throw them back, they’ll die.”
“Son,” the man said, “don’t you realize there are miles and miles of beach and hundreds of starfish? You can’t make a difference!”
After listening politely, the boy bent down, picked up another starfish, and threw it back into the surf. Then, smiling at the man, he said…”I made a difference for that one.” I am very gracious tonight for all that I have learned and felt.A special prayer goes to the ones who are still searching.You are loved and in my heart.

Monday, April 5, 2010

My daughter's visit with our adoptos

My girl just spent a week with our new "family".She loved it and they took such good care of her.It made her feel more at ease to know what her little girl's life will be like.It was good to see that our adoptodad can sympathize with my girls growing belly.(that name kinda makes him sound like a gotta say....I have to respect someone who can make a smiley face pancake(and actually takes the time to do

I hope my little grand baby will have these once in a while. But the highlight for me was when I was able to see the present that that gave to me...a beautiful pink flamingo...just so everyone has this straight...adoptomom bought a pink piece of plastic that went along with a running joke between us.She had my daughter stuff in her luggage and smuggle it on the airplane.(could you imagine what security thought when it was x-rayed).she had my girl sneak behind my back and plant it in our front yard.Is it wrong that this makes me love them so much more??Would anyone else take this as them showing us that they love us??It just goes to show that in a situation like this having the perfect match is soooo important.I love that we are able to mesh so well.We are so fortunate to have these people in our lives.I do have to say though..this lifetime is gonna be very interesting...and between them and us..this little girl is never gonna be bored.And now...we cherish this silly little piece of pink plastic so much we had to bring it in so it would blow away or get lost.Yes adopto parents..thank you so much for all you do ;)!!!

Sunday, April 4, 2010

A special Easter gift for our "Adoptos"

Won't be long before this Easter egg wil be hatchin'!!!We love you guys!!!

Friday, April 2, 2010

Now the hard part starts...

Decisions!!!Ugh...why are there so many in life???Ok my girl is gonna have a baby.Took a while to get over that...but there is have a small amount of time..and some of the BIGGEST choices EVER.You are literally hold the life of someone who cannot even speak for themselves yet,in the palms of your hands.I pictured us walking on a very narrow path...the slightest move in the wrong direction and we fall...and have to live with that forever.I used to work for one of the companies that took the pictures for the newborns in the hospital.I had to see up front what goes on in that hospital room when an adoption takes place.(note that these were closed adoptions).I always told my self there is no way that I could EVER do that.I have worked in daycare for many many I always feel like I want to help take care of other peoples kids....and besides..when I am done with my schooling..I want to make taking care of babies(in a hospital setting)for a living.I cherish all of my kids,and eventhough there are 5(including my own new baby) it just comes easy for me.So why would I want my girl to do such a thing???AH!Notice that all those reasons had an "I" in front of it???I have been divorced(happily remarried though)..I have been a single mom.I know that the kids involved all have thier demons and some still not healed because of this.I have had the pleasure of "sharing" the most precious part of my life with someone who I cannot even live with..and all that being "checked up on" to make sure the kids are taken care of..what an aweful feeling!!!Of course I am taking care of them!!!The thought of my girl having to start going through that at 16 was almost too much to bear!!Confusing!!!So...I shared with my daughter all my thoughts and feelings on each side...and I told her I would support what she wanted, and was there for her to help.There are alot of spiritual moments in there as well.We would flip flop day we would be CERTAIN without a doubt what to do..but then the next...completely I said...this was soooooo important to get this is understandable.After months and months..she has made that decision.She made it all on her own...and I am very proud of her.Like our adoption agency says..IT'S ABOUT LOVE...not it is about what I want...or what someone else wants.And also importantly..we are at peace with it.No more flip flopping.My little grand daughter can come in this world and it can be a celebration...the way it should be...not into a bunch of contention and doubt.We are not losing a baby..we are gaining a whole other family!!!!A crazy...nutty...amazing family.I can be happy now..I can be excited!!!!Isn't that how it is supposed to be???

Monday, March 29, 2010

What the freak happened to those piggy tails???

There she is....your sweet little princess...playing with her barbies...Looking up at you with her magical little two front teeth gone grin.Begging for you to tickle her.My girl had a passion for being an actress and would put on shows for me..her own little one girl production..then she comes up to you with those precious piggy tails to give you a hug..and she whispers in you ear"mom..I might know...ummmm..I might be prego"..(record scratch)..I come out of my daze."WHAT"??Panic...terror..My body went numb.I thought about a million things at the same time.I was sooo careful.I asked her about her day everyday..I knew her friends..where she was...Was I a bad mom??In this split may feel that everything is falling down on you.But is NOT the end of the world.You are still a super mom..your little piggy tailed still amazing.This is life.This is the path that her life is supposed to take.I remember seeing a show where the teen got pregnant..was too terrified to say she ran away.Had the baby on her own..and almost killed her and the baby.All I could think was "sad" and right then and there vowed that I would grind in my kids head that NOTHING could be so terrible that the had to be afraid of me.That in the moment they needed me most...I would not leave them.Just remember..if you are a mom going though this...this is YOUR baby in brought her in this kept her adored every precious moment of her growing up.This is the keeper of that smile that used to make you melt and gush.So..why turn your back??Can't you remember how you tucked her into bed and promised to always be the best mom you could??Could this one thing really erase all that??NEVER!!!Embrace that girl..and let her know you are there..that you are a team.Now yes..still be a mom..still teach..voice that there are consequences..and a lesson to be learned.But in a loving way.Yes..overnight she lost those piggy tails..and now is handing them to one that is a part of her.And to the one who gets the honor of taking care of those them while they are still there,be grateful every minute.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Admiring The Beauty Before Me

The day she came in my life was one of my best.I was getting in my bed at the hospital..when I looked up and ther was a poster hanging that said "Molly...delivered a baby girl- 8:54 p.m. 6 lbs 13 oz" I felt it through my whole soul.Me?? A mommy?She was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.The wonderful thing is...she still is.Things may not have gone excatly the way I wished for them to go that day...but the love I feel for her still involves my whole soul.My beautiful precious you are.You are in the handiwork of the Lord at this time.I admire your choice to do what will bring the best to your own baby girl.I myself am in love with the angel that you carry.You are beautiful..and I love you.

Songs that remind me of my girl

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